I haven’t posted in a while. Whenever I thought about writing, a familiar feeling crept in - the heavy, suffocating weight of shame. It wasn’t just guilt for skipping a post; it was the insidious thought that I was doing it all over again: letting another thing slip, abandoning something I love, proving to myself that I can’t follow through. The longer I stayed away, the worse it got. It wasn’t just about writing anymore - it was about all the unfinished projects, the unanswered messages, and the hobbies I once loved but left behind. And as the shame grew, it became nearly impossible to start again.
If you’ve ever avoided checking your emails for fear of what you might find, or hesitated to revive an old passion because of guilt, you know exactly what I mean. Today, let’s talk about that shame that often comes with ADHD or trauma: why it happens, how it traps us, and most importantly, how we can start breaking free.
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1. The Nature of Shame: Where It Comes From
Shame doesn’t appear out of nowhere. It’s planted, watered, and reinforced - often from an early age.
Early Messages and Internalisation
For many of us with ADHD (and not only), shame starts early. It might have been a parent’s disappointed sigh when we forgot something important, or a teacher publicly calling us out for “ not trying hard enough. ” These early experiences plant the seeds of self-doubt. Over time, those external voices become internal ones. Instead of hearing criticism from others, we begin to criticise ourselves. The message becomes clear: “ I’m different, I’m not meeting expectations, and something about me isn’t right. ”
In some cases, especially where mistakes were highlighted relentlessly, whether in abusive or narcissistically driven environments, every small misstep becomes proof of incompetence. You might have heard things like:
“Why can’t you just remember things like a normal person?” “You’re always so lazy.” “You have so much potential, but you’re just wasting it.”
These words don’t fade away. They linger and shape our self-view, making it hard to see that the shame wasn’t truly ours to bear; it was given to us by people who never understood how our brains work.
The Social Reality
When shame hits, it often feels like the whole world silently judges you. But the truth is, most people aren’t thinking about your forgotten appointments or missed messages. They’re busy with their own lives. Even if there is a reason to feel ashamed, it’s important to remember that at the time, you were doing the best you could with your resources, mental state, and past experiences.
You have two options:
Fix it (if possible)
Learn from it and move on (if not)
Not every relationship can be salvaged, and not every mistake can be fixed. But the one thing that matters is that you keep going. Shame only has power if you let it.
2. The Science Behind Shame
Shame isn’t merely an emotion - it’s a physiological and neurological response. In ADHD, this response is often more intense due to differences in brain structure and chemistry.
How the ADHD Brain Processes Emotions
People with ADHD don’t only struggle with attention - they also have difficulties regulating emotions. The prefrontal cortex, which manages impulse control, decision-making, and emotional regulation, is often wired differently in ADHD brains. This can make it challenging to shift out of negative emotional states [1,7,8].
The amygdala - the brain’s fear and emotion centre - is typically more reactive in those with ADHD. This means that feelings of shame, guilt, or embarrassment can hit harder and linger longer than they might for neurotypical individuals. Additionally, a dopamine deficit in ADHD means that while negative emotions register strongly, positive reinforcement doesn’t always hit with the same intensity. In short, even a small mistake, like forgetting an appointment, can spiral into an identity crisis: “I made a mistake” quickly turns into “I am a failure.”
The Body’s Response: Fight, Flight, Freeze
Shame doesn’t stay confined to the mind. It manifests physically. When overwhelmed by shame, your nervous system can trigger a fight, flight, or freeze response. For example, you might overcompensate by over-apologising, avoid a situation entirely (ghosting someone or ignoring emails), or even freeze, feeling so overwhelmed that you can’t take action. This response isn’t a sign of moral weakness; it’s a neurological reaction meant to protect you, even if it ends up trapping you in a cycle of inaction [2,3,5,6].
3. The Shame-Avoidance Loop
Once shame sets in, it often creates a self-perpetuating cycle:
A Mistake Happens: You miss a deadline, forget a birthday, or abandon a project you once loved.
Shame Kicks In: Instead of seeing the mistake as an isolated event, you internalise it - “I’m unreliable. I always do this. I’ll never get it right.”
Avoidance Takes Over: The overwhelming shame leads you to avoid the situation entirely - whether that means not rescheduling an appointment, not replying to a message, or not returning to a neglected hobby.
Avoidance Breeds More Guilt: The longer you avoid addressing the mistake, the worse you feel, reinforcing the cycle.
The Cycle Repeats: With each pass, shame grows, motivation fades, and the emotional storm tightens its grip.
This loop is particularly vicious for those with ADHD, where even minor setbacks can escalate into major emotional crises.
4. Breaking the Cycle of Shame
Shame loses power when it’s named, understood, and gently challenged. Instead of fighting or avoiding it, the path forward lies in developing practical responses: tools you can reach for when shame starts taking hold of you.
Let Go of the Fix-It Fantasy
One of shame’s favourite lies is: “ You must fix everything before you can move on. ” That’s a trap. You don’t need to reply to every missed message or explain every lapse. You’re allowed to start fresh—right now.
Try This: If you’ve been avoiding someone, start with a simple message: “ Hey, I’ve been meaning to reconnect—how are you? ” That’s enough.
Use Emotional Exposure to Defuse Intensity
Avoiding shame makes it louder. Facing it head-on, even briefly, reduces its grip. This isn’t about reliving pain—it’s about training your nervous system to stop panicking at the first sign of discomfort.
Try This: Sit with the emotion for 5 to 10 minutes. Let it rise without distractions, just observe. You’ll likely find it peaks and then fades.
Reframe the Story in Your Head
ADHD often turns small mistakes into sweeping judgments - “ I missed one deadline ” becomes “ I always fail. ” Catch that distortion and rewrite it.
Try This: Write the thought down, then respond as if you were comforting a friend. It’s not about lying to yourself, it’s about being fair to yourself.
Make Shame-Shrunken Tasks Stupidly Small
When shame makes a task feel huge, reduce it until it feels almost ridiculous. This isn’t laziness; it’s strategy.
Try This: Don’t “clean the kitchen”, just rinse one dish. Don’t “clear your inbox” - simply open one email. Once started, momentum often follows.
Accept Without Arguing
You don’t have to justify your struggles to yourself. Radical acceptance means acknowledging your patterns without needing to debate them.
Try This: “ Yes, I forgot. Yes, I feel bad. And I can still take the next step. ” Shame thrives on perfectionism - cut off its fuel.
Ditch the ‘Lazy’ Label
The word “lazy” is a blunt weapon used to explain what the science of ADHD already does better: executive dysfunction. You’re not morally flawed - you’re working with a differently wired brain.
Reframe This: “ This is hard for my brain, but I can still engage with it, one step at a time.”
5. Living Forward, One Restart at a Time
Here’s the hard truth: shame doesn’t vanish in a puff of insight. It lingers, it mutters, and it often shows up when you least expect it - during the quiet lull after you finish a task, when you accidentally open your inbox, or in the stillness of bedtime reflection. The real work isn’t in making shame disappear; it’s in learning how to live forward while it’s still sitting next to you.
If you’re struggling with shame, living forward means rewriting your relationship with progress. It’s not linear. It’s not consistent. It’s not clean. But it can be meaningful, and it can be yours. And that starts with recognising what progress actually looks like in the context of executive dysfunction and emotional fatigue.
Progress is:
Opening the email but not replying, yet.
Thinking about a friend you ghosted and not spiralling.
Sitting with discomfort instead of running from it.
Taking a break before burnout instead of after.
In other words, it’s not about flawless execution, it’s about reconnection. To yourself. To your goals. To the people you care about.
But reconnection requires one thing above all: self-trust. And self-trust isn’t built by making big promises—it’s built by keeping small ones. When you tell yourself, “I’ll just read one message,” and you follow through, that’s a brick. When you say, “I’ll show up even if it’s awkward,” and you do, that’s another brick. It’s not glamorous, but it’s real. And over time, those bricks become something solid: evidence that you can rely on yourself, even when your brain makes it hard.
Here’s a journaling prompt I like to use—not every day, but when things feel particularly heavy:
What tiny act of repair did I attempt today? What did I move toward, however imperfectly?
If the answer is nothing, that’s okay. Shame will try to tell you that you’ve failed, but the truth is, it just means you get another chance tomorrow. You’re still allowed to try again.
Living forward doesn’t require a clean slate. It requires movement. Repeated, messy, often reluctant, but sincere movement.
That’s what recovery from shame looks like. Not a glow-up. Just staying in the room with your life.
6. Reflection: Questions to Ask Yourself
To integrate these insights into your daily life, consider these reflective questions:
When do I feel the most intense shame? Is it after missing deadlines, forgetting people, or feeling unreliable?
What self-critical words do I use most often? Are these words echoes of past criticism rather than facts?
Where did I learn these beliefs? Were they given to me by others, and are they truly reflective of my worth?
What is one small step I can take right now? Whether it’s opening one email or sending a brief message, choose a manageable action to move forward.
Conclusion: It Gets Easier, But It Takes Work
Shame won’t disappear overnight. Every time when you recognise, challenge and take even the smallest action despite it, you chip away at its power. Remember: you are not lazy, you are not broken, and the shame you carry was handed to you - it doesn’t define you.
Your brain is uniquely wired, with both challenges and strengths. The journey isn’t about erasing your past; it’s about learning to live with it, accepting it, and choosing to move forward - one small step at a time.
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